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"Revelation", by Devon V.
Copyright © 2001, Age 16
On Sunday night, I had a revelation. I was overcome with a new feeling of hope and ambition that I pray everyone is able to feel and experience. God came and spoke with me, turning a new page in my life.
I am a Christian. I received Christ back in Sunday school days as a small child but truly recognized him as my Lord and Savior at a youth retreat between the summers of 5th and 6th grade. I wanted to have that "happiness" that Christianity always promised and I suppose I was under the foolish impression that as long as you believed in Christ, you would be happy.
That’s not the way it is. The Lord is constantly putting us through trials and tribulations as tests of our faith. Then we are told of course, that God will never give you more than you can handle. Well, I chose to believe otherwise. I was convinced that God had given me far more than I could handle. Situations at home get worse and seem to have no end, school is a nightmare, and my friendship with my best friend of eight years seemed to be falling apart before my eyes and there was nothing I could do about it. My pessimistic outlook on life and an overwhelming feeling of depression were the new judges of my fate rather than God.
So Sunday night, I was up late studying for Physics, which I of course had waited until the last minute to do. After finishing, I reached over to set my alarm clock to awake me for another fun-filled day of school, work, extracurricular, and family obligations. There on my nightstand was a pile of pictures I had pilfered out of the large family photo box to show to some friends a while back. I picked up the pictures, snapshots of a happy, carefree childhood, and started to look through them. At the end I came upon a black and white picture of me in my grandmother’s house, just standing there with an ear to ear grin on my face and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a happier child in all my life.
As I stared at the picture, tears cascaded down my cheeks like they hadn’t for what seemed like centuries. Then we started to talk, God and me. My soul was screaming for answers that had been there all along. I asked God what happened to the little girl in that picture. What happened to that happy little girl? What happened to that little girl with a million and one hopes, dreams, and ambitions that didn’t seem unrealistic at all? Where did I take a wrong turn?
And then I realized what I should have known and recognized all along. I turned my back on her. I turned my back on that little girl and God and I had put on a shield of seriousness and sarcasm so I could face the "real world." What real world? What kind of world makes someone have to change his or her identity just to meet social requirements? All along I claimed that I didn’t care what other people thought about me, but that was a lie, a lie that I had even convinced myself was true.
Upon stumbling across this harsh reality, I began to cry again, hating myself for not seeing the obvious. Here I am, a Christian, a holier than thou Fellowship of Christian Athletes officer, and I didn’t turn to the one person who knew all the answers and was right beside me, watching me, waiting for me, as I staggered through my self inflicted darkness.
So I stopped, collected my thoughts, and told God I was ready. I am ready to change. I am ready to be the person I was meant to be. I am ready to find the cure to cancer, travel to Mars, and bring about world peace all at the same time. I am ready to come back to my original ideals and ambitions, however unrealistic they may be. I am ready to face the world with Him.
On Sunday night, I gave myself to God. I asked him to take me in his arms and guide me. I did not pray to be a different person the next day. No. I asked God to walk with me as he always had, and to watch as he always had, except this time I was going to listen. Then, I knew he was there. He embraced my heart and told me everything was going to all right.
That night, I was in God’s arms. Sitting on my bed, pouring my heart and soul out to Him, I felt his arms around me and it was as though a huge weight of pessimism, depression, self pity, and guilt was lifted from me and my heart was filled with a feeling that I cannot even begin to express because there are no words beautiful enough to describe the happiness and hope that I am filled with now. He lifted my armor.
I sat there on my bed in a state of shock and tranquility. I never before felt the way I did that night. I said to Him, "I know you are here. I’ve always known you were here, but now I feel you here." And God held me, and I cried, and I told him again that I was ready.
This will not be an easy walk. I am a sinner and fall far from God’s grace but even in my first day since this insight, I noticed a change in myself, as did those around me. I am exuding an insuppressible happiness that even I can’t explain. I will have my off days. I will not stop bad habits instantly, but I will catch myself and see the necessity for change. This will be a long and trying battle, but I will win. I promised God I would win, and with him on my side, how can I lose?
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."” ~ Proverbs 3:5,6
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